Let's be real for a second...

This is about to be hard core honest and I'm not going to apologize for any of it.

I have gotten into this habit now where I know the answers to most of my problems.
What do I do when I'm tired? Either find time to take a nap or pretend like soda actually has an impact on my energy level.
When I miss my old ways, be thankful that I am not the old me anymore.
When it is hard to love someone, pray for them and get over it.
Sad? Jesus loves you, you are his.
Lonely? You are still His.
Insecure? You are HIS.

I could tell myself this all day and unless I have wrestled with these issues and really thought about them and believed in my heart that I am loved by a great savior, nothing will change.
I have been through this already. I know the answers. I have already learned the lesson the hard way. So why the heck is this stuff haunting me? Why can't I just be healed already?

Lord, I am no good to you damaged. That's what I am, damaged goods. I'm used, my paint is chipped, I can't believe you would ever want me. Why won't you just heal me so that I can spread your love? If I can't even get my emotions together, how will I ever show others your joy? How can I help someone else out with their troubles if I am having troubles of my own?

Beloved, let me heal you. My type of healing does not mean that life will be pleasant. My healing doesn't mean your issues will go away.


Father give me physical hardships, give me poverty, give me hunger, give me something that has a logical answer and not something that is a problem within myself and from myself. If I can't explain what I'm feeling, how will I know how to fix it?

You aren't supposed to be able to fix yourself. Remember, beloved. Remember what I tell you all the time. Brokenness is beautiful. You are beautiful. I hurt when you hurt but I love you enough to allow this pain so you can love my people. You are not damaged, I created you. I do not allow my creations to be damaged. Yes, you are in pain. Yes, this is not easy or even logical. But I am far past logic, beloved. I am the creator of logic. You said just the other day that joy doesn't always consist of smiling faces. Sometimes pure joy is filled with tears. Beloved, I know you. I see you and I know your hurts. Hold fast, beloved. Build your house on this rock and believe me when I say I love you. You are worthy of love and precious in my sight. You are not perfect and I don't demand perfection from you. You are imperfect, human. Stop expecting yourself to have no flaws. That is pride, my love. You are defining yourself in others and searching for satisfaction in places that are not capable or meant to satisfy you.


Don't you remember being in the darkness? This is no different, Beloved. This has a different face, but the same sweet, poisonous smell. Do not allow this poison to make you sick. You are too precious to me. Can't you see, Beloved? Don't you know how much I love you? I have done everything for you. All you must do is trust me and love me. Seek my face first, my love, and I will fill you with the joy you once knew. I will keep filling you until you overflow. Seek my face and I will fill you with my spirit and you will glow with my presence. Allow yourself to feel love.


I am so sorry, my Father. I am ruined. I will never be worthy of this love you give me but you still look at me as though I am more than worth it. What else can I do but praise you, my Love? You are so great and you cover my weaknesses. Despite my failures you make it look like I'm a winner. Because I have won. I am victorious through you. I have the one thing this world is searching for. I will not hide this light. I will shine for you, not for my glory, but all the glory to You.

I have neglected to love your people. Sometimes they are just so hard to love. I know I am hard to love. I have become so cynical and so judgmental of your very bride. I love the church, Lord, but some churches do not even look like your bride. They are covered in politics and lack truth. I desire that truth that I have tasted before. It is like drinking a sprite when you think it is milk; it makes me puke. My stomach is preparing for a basic drink and I keep receiving acidic drinks. Why doesn't everyone know that? Why doesn't everyone know you? You are the best thing that has ever happened ever and people are ignoring you. It is so hard to stand by and watch people waste each breath that they take on things that aren't impacting the world in a positive way. Why are they even here? I feel so lost in this world. I feel like I'm crying out for love and peace and people are just turning away staying in their own little bubbles trying to glorify themselves. What good is that? We are all going to die at some point so why would you waste your life trying to glorify yourself? Surely you already have your reward. But that will come to an end. Can't you see there are people in pain? Can't you see your own pain?

Lord, these are the things that break my heart. These are the things that keep me up at night and that I shed tears over. I feel like I can't handle seeing another person waste a breath without feeling your love. They are missing out and they don't even care. I am bitter because of it. I am angry at your people. My heart is aching every moment for your people. You have shown your face and they turned away. I know I am no different but my God I have seen the light and these people think the shadows are the real objects. They think each day is a struggle to survive but they don't see that it is truly a blessing during which we can love each other and love the Lord. Raise up your people, Lord. I feel alone in this battle. Oh God, I'm sorry. This isn't even my battle to fight. I am not alone. You have already won and you have control. I'm sorry for doubting you. I'm trusting in you. Please save us from ourselves.

We are desperate for your love.
I am desperate for your love.