Re-learning my value

So, I haven't blogged in a while obviously but I just really need to get this off my chest.

Some people think that I am not insecure about anything. But, a lot of you know that most of the time that's not true. Especially now.

A lot of time I feel like I am supposed to be funny, pretty, outgoing, intellectual, graceful, and so many other things that may or may not be true about me. The fact is, none of those things are supposed to be the foundation of my security. Actually, they aren't secure at all. My personality changes and I go through different seasons of my life. Having those qualities or not having them isn't supposed to define me. I become insecure when I feel like I'm not good enough in those various aspects of my life because I've tried to make them the foundation of my worth.

But, reality is, I'm not perfect. I'm not supposed to be. I am a mess a lot of the times and you know what, that's okay. My insecurity about this has officially gotten out of control. If you're a person who knows what that feels like, you'd know how sucky it is.

I'm always telling people about how valuable they are because it's true and I see that. I see your value. I see that everyone of you is made for a great purpose and that your story is beautiful in its own way, through whatever brokenness you've experienced.

The thing is, I don't think it is fair or just for me to say that everyone is important if I don't even believe that about myself. How can I ever tell you that you are beautiful when I can't even look myself in the mirror and tell myself that? What do I know about forgiveness and love if I haven't forgiven myself and refuse to love myself? If I don't believe that God can work through me, how in the world can I help you believe that He can work through you?

So, this is me, going on a self-declared journey on a rediscovery of my value. I used to know my value, or at least I thought I did. But, I forgot to remind myself every day, every moment that I am created, loved, and valued by the God of the universe. Feel free to do the same.

Not going back

You know, funny thing is, sometimes I miss you.
You hurt me deeply and although I've forgiven you, the thought still pains me.
And when I start to slip and want to go back to my old life, I remember what I wrote,

"You gave me what you thought I wanted,
knowing it wasn't what I needed.
Love is patient, you never waited for me.
But I waited for you.
You are not what I thought you were.
I was living the dream, more like the nightmare.
You were a golden calf, something physical I could worship.
Love is kind but, darling, you are far from kind.
I don't know how you did it, but you had me fooled.
I gave everything to you; You were my everything.
But you are NOTHING; and I wonder why you left me empty.
There's one thing I want back, my heart.
You've stolen it right in front of my face.
It doesn't belong to you and you know it.
You know what, keep it.
It's broken anyway.
I know someone who gives out new ones to anyone in need.
I was dead when I left you but, I know a good doctor.
He gave up His riches.
He removed the crown from His head and traded it for thorns.
He saw I was dead so He gave His life to me.
Now I have a new heart, this one you can't touch.
The oil from your unclean hands will make it explode.
This is the most valuable gift I've ever received.
I won't let you break it and I won't let you take it.
He gave me everything you couldn't.
I gave you my heart but you didn't return the favor.
Not only has He given me a new heart,
He holds my heart in His pure, clean hands.
"Baby it's you" who killed me.
But I'm now more alive than I ever was before.
My Lord, my Love.
You kiss me gently and hold me through the storms.
I don't know how you still love me.
But, oh, how my heart leaps for joy when I see You.
I was searching for You in all the wrong places.
Little did I know all I had to do was close my eyes and You were there.
But You aren't a dream, You aren't a nightmare.
I accept the reality of Your love.
I give You my all.
You are everything, You are my everything.
Not only do you satisfy but my cup runs over!
YOU are love.
Oh how I love you, LORD."

Every second I that I wonder why I can't go back, I remember these thoughts.
Sometimes we have to be reminded of our pain so that we don't make the mistake of going back to it when life gets hard.

Pardon my mess

This messy room is a reflection of my imperfection in this life.

I swear I try but I can't get anything right.
Lord, I really need to talk to you.
Tell me, God, can really help me make it through?
I don't know where to go
and you say just to follow
but I don't even know which way is up
so how could you ever fill my cup?
I wanna just say screw it
and go back to the old
but we both know I barely survived
who knew hell was so cold.
You picked me up when I was down
but now I'm up and feel like I can't be found.
I guess I achieved my goal
at being invisible
But yet I feel like your eyes are burning through my skin
Lord, don't let me fall again.
I just want to do what you want me to do
how can I do that when I'm not even loving you?
How can I fully love you if I don't love your creation?
I feel like I'm on the road to eternal damnation.
I'M SCREAMING OUT TO YOU
don't you hear my cry?
I'm believing these lies that he keeps telling me.
You're worthless, you're ugly, you're shouldn't even be.
He's way too loud
and way too proud
put a mute on his bridge
He's not the soloist
and you're the conductor
so give him the order
Make him leave me alone
because I feel like stone
Stuck in the same place
not able to turn my face.
I need You now
just show me how.

Brokenness doesn't equal loneliness

It was hard for me to figure out how to begin this post. I obviously haven't written in a while because so much has been going on. But I want this post to be very specific. Three years ago today one of my uncles took his own life. I'm not going to lie and say I was super close to him. In a way that makes it painful in a whole different way. Being a person who suffers from depression, it sucks to say the least. Brokenness, whether it is depression or not, just straight up sucks. But the thing is, it is inevitable. Not in the "life's a bitch and then you die," kind of way... more so in a "every single person on this earth has something that brings them pain," kind of way.

As you all know I'm super in love with this being that created the universe and junk in that trunk. All joking aside, I've had to wrestle with the whole issue of why there is suffering and why things such as what happened to my uncle happen happen about 2,000 times each day in the world. I totally encourage you to wrestle with that too but I'm not going to tell you my opinion in this post. Part of my point is, everyone has pain. There are 7 billion people living on this ball of mass and all 7 billion of us have something that makes us broken. Those of you who read the bible probably know that the super great king named David (who is in a great majority of the OT) suffered from depression. He also had an STD. Homeboy was the definition of brokenness. I mean read the Psalms and you can read all about his pain.

Well that's sad. Let's just be done with this post and peace out girl scout. NO. The other part of my point is that we are not meant to suffer alone. We are meant to dive into another person's brokenness with them and let someone dive into your brokenness with you. We were created for love. Not only to love but to be loved. Even in your brokenness, however messy it may be, you are lovely. I don't mean that you are lovely as in worthy of love once you're all cleaned up and pretty again. No way. I mean like big buff man crying like a baby asking for his mama, woman who just rolled out of bed having stinky breath and leftover makeup under your eyes, scrawny pasty kid who farts all the time as jokes - right where you are: you are worthy of love.

Basically... my purpose of writing this was to just let you know that I know you're broken. You know I'm broken. I know the person above my apartment who walks way too loud is broken. We're all broken. Don't let someone (including yourself) suffer from the excess pain that comes with attempting to tough it out and go through your brokenness alone. Allow someone to love you. And don't forget to love the people you come in contact with.

Love - Musiq Soulchild

What do I do now, my love? You feel so far away. Actually, I don’t even feel you. Are you even still there? Were you even there in the first place? Does love even exist?

Love. Funny. So many people talk about it but real love is sacred, pure, holy, good. This love they’re talking about isn’t love at all. Its value is diminished and people brush it off as not a big deal. It is no where close to pure. It is the opposite of holy and rather than bringing goodness it brings destruction. If what they call love is true, then I don’t want any part of it. I don’t want to fall in love. I don’t want to be loved. I don’t want to love. But if what they call love isn’t true and there is something more, then I’m all in. That love is a lie. So where do I find legitimate love? Isn’t that what we’re all searching for? Meaning, purpose, to love and to be loved.

I know that You exist, my love. It has to be true. If true love exists, and You are true love, then I want You and only You. Forget this fake junk everyone keeps trying to throw at me. That’s bull. It is so far from truth that it is hard to speak about it without using stronger language.

But, love, where are you? Why can’t I feel you? Oh. I’m looking in the wrong places for you. Oh my love, I am so sorry. No wonder I feel empty. No wonder I am confused and torn apart. Love is what I desire. So let me stop looking for love where it doesn’t exist. But, my love, I am starting to feel you now. In my weakness and in my brokenness is where I always find you. Waiting for me, You don’t even say “I told you so.” You have every right to cast me away. To refuse to forgive me and to deny blessing me with your true love. This hurts, my love. It hurts to be broken. It hurts to be weak but if this pain is what it takes to know you more, break me. Leave me naked and abandoned by my idols so I can know how whole I feel with you, my love.

I’m scared, my love. I’m scared you will see my scars when I become naked before you. I’m scared you will see what I’ve done and realize how unworthy I am.

I’m not confused, beloved. I call you worthy and I only speak truth. Do not insult my perfection by calling my creation unworthy. You are worthy, created one. I have made you for good. I made love for good. Don’t give up hope in love, child. You will see. Turn to me, beloved child. Seek me, seek real love. I am real love. I am working all things together for your good. I know this hurts, but you will see. You will see in the end that this pain is working for your good. I love you and I will never abandon you. I never have.

Value life

Yesterday, I saw something that made me sad. I saw some people who lived in the inner city and it honestly just made me sad. I see the potential in people and I see people wasting their lives and it is sad. It makes me just as sad as rich people who are not generous with their money. Just as sad as middle class people who are just trying to make it through life one day at a time. Most of these people are missing the point.

It isn't that I have pity for the poor or that I'm bitter toward the rich. It is that I see lives being wasted all over the place. Life is a gift and can be used to change this world. You aren't limited to what your parents say or what your friends say you can or can't do. You are who you are. You are valuable and worthy of a fulfilling life that is not filled with self glory, but rather with selflessness and humbleness. You are worthy of a life of service and of a plan far greater than yourself.

Life is more than you a chance to get everything you wanted. Everything you want isn't really what your soul longs for. Don't you hear your soul crying out for something more? You desire love. Real, true, pure, and holy love. Don't you want that? I sure as day do.

Can I be Yours now?

To the one who knows no fear,

Great and mighty are You! I could think of You all day and all night! That’s what I’ll do, my Lord. I will meditate on Your lovingkindness. You are gentle and sweet, strong and self-controlled, patient and assertive, unfathomably amazing and full of everlasting grace, merciful and gracious on my imperfect self.

Oh LORD, I can’t even look at You. I am so unworthy and ruined. Why, God? Why do You love me so much? I don’t deserve this life. Yet You bless me moment by moment and Your mercies are new every morning. I can never repay You, great lover of my soul. My soul is covered in layer after layer of dirt. I can hardly even see Your spirit under it all. I can’t see through this dirt and I don’t want You to see what I’ve made of this soul You have so graciously given me. I don’t deserve to be seen by You, I never have deserved it. But You keep pursuing me, why? What do You see in me? I’m not special, I’m no diamond. I’m a stone. A grey, hard, ugly stone. But You’re melting me with Your tender warmth. You are melting this heart of stone and I try to fight it. I want to be tough, I don’t feel like crying today, Love. But oh it is so nice that you care. It feels so good to be pursued by You. Can I melt into Your arms now, Love? I’ve pretended to be okay for too long. I want You. You and only You. Empty me, Love. Take my dirt. Take my shame, my pride, my insecurities. Take it all. Take whatever I have and give me Love. Empty me of anything that isn’t You. Oh, how this hurts, Love. But it is beyond worth it.

I love you.

God is good

I realize it is hard to believe God is good while living in a world filled with so much bad. But, I fully believe that the bad is a result from our disobedient nature. I don't believe specific bad things happen as a direct result from that person's mistake. That obviously doesn't make any sense. I do, on the other hand, believe that we have a nature about us to just look out for our own selves. That's just my observation.

I believe with all of my soul that God does not want this crap for us. I really do believe that he is good and that he wants the best for us. That being said, I do not believe that if you believe in God that you will get a lot of success and money and fame or whatever else you want. But, if you focus on how good God is, not much else matters.

If you truly believe that God is good and you just focus on the fact that he loves an imperfect being and even calls us his children, all the bad things seem to disappear from your mind.

Just like the sunrise, when the light comes the darkness disappears. I don't mean darkness as in the bad things don't happen to you anymore, I mean that they seem so insignificant when you focus on the light.

The light is beautiful and has the power to diminish darkness from your mind. Once the darkness is dim, peace will come upon you. Darkness is what is holding us back from being joyful and peaceful. If you dim the dark by focusing on God's light and goodness, joy and peace will come in your soul like a flood.

Sometimes we can be following Christ and doing the right things but our eyes wander and we get distracted by issues within us and without us. We start seeing the darkness in this world and we get overwhelmed with sadness. But, if we turn our eyes back to the path we are walking on and know that we are not the savior of the world but we do know someone who is, life can be a lot easier to handle. I'm not at all saying to ignore the darkness of this world. We need to act on the injustice we see but not dwell on the sad thought of injustice. We, as humans, can only take on so much. When you follow Christ, he will show you what issues you need to act on and what issues are not for you to fix. If you are purely seeking God in all his justice, goodness, lovingkindness, and mercy - he will lead you.

From my heart...

Here's the thing, I love the church. I love what it is supposed to be and I love what it could be but the fact of the matter is that so many churches just straight up are missing the point. Church is meant for community and coming together as one to worship the same God and to hear a teacher who has meditated and wrestled with a passage of scripture and has gone in depth with it. In my eyes, it should be filled with passion and joy. Too often I see churches try to tell people they have to fit a certain mold to be accepted. NEWS FLASH: if there is a mold for what a Christian should look like, it is unworthy, broken, desperate people who need the Lord. Last time I checked, that includes every single person on this earth. The pre-requisite to be a Christian is that you are human. The end.

Today one of my friends told me about how she became a christian in mid high school and the church she went to first of all told her she was different and they saw her as not like the usual Christian. Jesus was a homeless man who looked arabic and probably didn't bathe but once every other month and probably wore the same clothes every day and never changed his underwear. Get over the thought that what matters is what you look like. Even if you don't care what someone looks like, but you are more concerned about their history, let's take a look back at Jesus. He comes from a line of whores, adulterers, murderers, liars, and a seriously dysfunctional family. God doesn't ask perfection of us. He delights in our brokenness and our honesty and that is what is important.

Second of all, this friend also told me that the people in her church straight up told her that her enthusiasm and passion for the Lord would die down when she got older. The thought of a brother or sister in Christ telling a new Christian that her zeal for the God who gives us new life and saves us from destruction would soon fade away made me want to vomit. It literally makes me sick that people think that. One of the most beautiful things that I got to experience is being able to worship with my 87 year old great grandma on Easter Sunday who hardly ever stops smiling and was raising her hands as much as she could during the worship service. Another thing is my grandeddy. Every single sunday you can find him at the Summit waving his arms and dancing around praising God. Now try to tell me I am going to lose my passion for the Lord over time. That is a straight up lie. God's mercies are new EVERY morning and each and every moment we have on this earth should be spent in awe of his grace and love and power. Passion for the Lord is not simply a phase "young people" go through. It is a lifestyle that we all choose the moment we accept the forgiveness of our great God.

One last thing and I promise I'm done. This is for the men...
Can you all please start fearing the Lord? Honestly, the most attractive thing on this earth is a man who is head over heals in love with the savior of the universe. A man who fears God and respects himself enough to not be consumed with the thoughts of women. A man who meditates on the joy that God gives him and expresses that freely and unapologetically. A man who will trust the Lord in every aspect of his life so that women want to follow him. There is a massive deficit of men who are in love with the Lord and it is seriously concerning me. Not because I am looking for a man, but because the Lord calls up men to lead and to be intentional. How do you expect women to want to serve if there are no men who are trustworthy enough to serve? A wife is to submit to her husband, yes, but the husband is to love the wife as Christ loved the church by sacrificing for her. If a man is constantly sacrificing to serve his wife, what woman wouldn't want to submit to him? If he is fearing the Lord and seeking the Lord's face through all aspects, what woman wouldn't feel loved? The passiveness of man is deadly and destructive. Men are supposed to be creatures of action but there is such a lack of men who are taking action to serve the God who loves this world. I just want to encourage you all to man up and put your sissy ways away and start falling in love with the Lord.

BVtv shoot

Last Friday I was able to operate one of the cameras during a BVtv shoot. I love my job but I was slightly bummed I didn't have my notebook with me to write down the things this guy kept saying. Homeboy was forreal letting God speak through him and it was absolutely beautiful.

He told us about how he sold everything he had and now lives in a van and normally sleeps on the streets with his friends (who just so happen to be homeless like him). He talked about how he always thought he was obeying God by not doing bad things but what he didn't see was that not only are we called to try not to do bad things, but we are called to act upon good things. We are here to try to impact this world through the Lord and our lives have purpose if we let them.

He also learned that there isn't a separation between the wealthy and the poor, we are all one body. That's why we pray "give US this day our daily bread.. OUR father in heaven." Those people who live without a home are our brothers and sisters. I believe we are called to work together and to serve and allow others to serve.

He also told us how he encountered a man who encouraged him but said that he doesn't think he is meant to do something great in this life. James, the man we interviewed, talked about how this is not our story, it is God's and we are merely called to be a character in his story. "Just because you don't use your pen doesn't mean it doesn't have lead in it." 

I am not doing the interview justice with this blog but I just wanted to put some of my thoughts out there and to encourage anyone who reads this that denominations, social classes, ethnicities, and nationality DO NOT divide us. We are the body. We are the church. When Jesus walked on this earth he didn't stop to ask someone, oh are you a Pharisee? I don't help feed the hungry next to someone who is obsessed with the law... God can use all of us if we let him. I believe if we let Him, we can make small steps that add up to huge leaps toward letting His kingdom come here on earth. I think we would all agree that right now this world is not even close to paradise. It really just kind of sucks most of the time. But it doesn't have to suck. We need to start loving our brothers and sisters and stop being so blinded by our own pride.

Let's be real for a second...

This is about to be hard core honest and I'm not going to apologize for any of it.

I have gotten into this habit now where I know the answers to most of my problems.
What do I do when I'm tired? Either find time to take a nap or pretend like soda actually has an impact on my energy level.
When I miss my old ways, be thankful that I am not the old me anymore.
When it is hard to love someone, pray for them and get over it.
Sad? Jesus loves you, you are his.
Lonely? You are still His.
Insecure? You are HIS.

I could tell myself this all day and unless I have wrestled with these issues and really thought about them and believed in my heart that I am loved by a great savior, nothing will change.
I have been through this already. I know the answers. I have already learned the lesson the hard way. So why the heck is this stuff haunting me? Why can't I just be healed already?

Lord, I am no good to you damaged. That's what I am, damaged goods. I'm used, my paint is chipped, I can't believe you would ever want me. Why won't you just heal me so that I can spread your love? If I can't even get my emotions together, how will I ever show others your joy? How can I help someone else out with their troubles if I am having troubles of my own?

Beloved, let me heal you. My type of healing does not mean that life will be pleasant. My healing doesn't mean your issues will go away.


Father give me physical hardships, give me poverty, give me hunger, give me something that has a logical answer and not something that is a problem within myself and from myself. If I can't explain what I'm feeling, how will I know how to fix it?

You aren't supposed to be able to fix yourself. Remember, beloved. Remember what I tell you all the time. Brokenness is beautiful. You are beautiful. I hurt when you hurt but I love you enough to allow this pain so you can love my people. You are not damaged, I created you. I do not allow my creations to be damaged. Yes, you are in pain. Yes, this is not easy or even logical. But I am far past logic, beloved. I am the creator of logic. You said just the other day that joy doesn't always consist of smiling faces. Sometimes pure joy is filled with tears. Beloved, I know you. I see you and I know your hurts. Hold fast, beloved. Build your house on this rock and believe me when I say I love you. You are worthy of love and precious in my sight. You are not perfect and I don't demand perfection from you. You are imperfect, human. Stop expecting yourself to have no flaws. That is pride, my love. You are defining yourself in others and searching for satisfaction in places that are not capable or meant to satisfy you.


Don't you remember being in the darkness? This is no different, Beloved. This has a different face, but the same sweet, poisonous smell. Do not allow this poison to make you sick. You are too precious to me. Can't you see, Beloved? Don't you know how much I love you? I have done everything for you. All you must do is trust me and love me. Seek my face first, my love, and I will fill you with the joy you once knew. I will keep filling you until you overflow. Seek my face and I will fill you with my spirit and you will glow with my presence. Allow yourself to feel love.


I am so sorry, my Father. I am ruined. I will never be worthy of this love you give me but you still look at me as though I am more than worth it. What else can I do but praise you, my Love? You are so great and you cover my weaknesses. Despite my failures you make it look like I'm a winner. Because I have won. I am victorious through you. I have the one thing this world is searching for. I will not hide this light. I will shine for you, not for my glory, but all the glory to You.

I have neglected to love your people. Sometimes they are just so hard to love. I know I am hard to love. I have become so cynical and so judgmental of your very bride. I love the church, Lord, but some churches do not even look like your bride. They are covered in politics and lack truth. I desire that truth that I have tasted before. It is like drinking a sprite when you think it is milk; it makes me puke. My stomach is preparing for a basic drink and I keep receiving acidic drinks. Why doesn't everyone know that? Why doesn't everyone know you? You are the best thing that has ever happened ever and people are ignoring you. It is so hard to stand by and watch people waste each breath that they take on things that aren't impacting the world in a positive way. Why are they even here? I feel so lost in this world. I feel like I'm crying out for love and peace and people are just turning away staying in their own little bubbles trying to glorify themselves. What good is that? We are all going to die at some point so why would you waste your life trying to glorify yourself? Surely you already have your reward. But that will come to an end. Can't you see there are people in pain? Can't you see your own pain?

Lord, these are the things that break my heart. These are the things that keep me up at night and that I shed tears over. I feel like I can't handle seeing another person waste a breath without feeling your love. They are missing out and they don't even care. I am bitter because of it. I am angry at your people. My heart is aching every moment for your people. You have shown your face and they turned away. I know I am no different but my God I have seen the light and these people think the shadows are the real objects. They think each day is a struggle to survive but they don't see that it is truly a blessing during which we can love each other and love the Lord. Raise up your people, Lord. I feel alone in this battle. Oh God, I'm sorry. This isn't even my battle to fight. I am not alone. You have already won and you have control. I'm sorry for doubting you. I'm trusting in you. Please save us from ourselves.

We are desperate for your love.
I am desperate for your love.

Movement is movement

If a slight breeze in the air comes in contact with a tree, there is slight movement. If there is a massive gust of wind, there is a massive movement. Both are movement. Movement is movement, no matter how small. Small acts of kindness when multiplied by millions of people can transform this world.



just sayin...

His hand is stretched out still...

I'm reading through Isaiah and one phrase that keeps popping up is "For all this His anger is not turned away, but His hand is stretched out still." Basically here's the deal, the homies in Israel wouldn't get it through their head that they are in need of a God and that they need to stop trying to do things on their own because that's how things keep getting screwed up. First when they were doing things right, God blessed them, and they took advantage of those blessings and started becoming snobby jerks who thought they were perfect. So then God allowed things to start getting rough and things just kept getting worse. Not because of God, but because the people didn't see that they needed to rethink this whole, let's disobey God thing.

ALL things happen for our good. It says it in the word, homie. Most of us just need to rethink what is actually good. Good isn't always smooth sailing. Good is not speedy results or healthy, rich lives. Good is being broken, flat on your face, looking like a hot mess at the feet of God. Good is when God is your everything and when you hold His hand through whatever storm comes your way. Good is when you are healthy and/or rich and you pour yourself out to the widows, the fatherless, the poor, the sick, the needy. God didn't turn his anger away from Israel for their own good. He won't turn His anger away from you if it's for your own good. But, even through all of God's anger and through all of your hurt, He is right there with you reaching out his hand to make sure you don't fall. It hurts Him to see you hurt but He is wise enough to fight through that pain in order for you to know love.

Embrace whatever storm you are going through. Don't leave God hangin' while His hand is still stretched out for you. The sooner you take ahold of Him, the easier things will be. Maybe not easier physically and honestly probably not easier physically, but deep down in your heart you will know that there is a purpose for this pain. Severe tragedy sets the stage for extreme triumph and trust me, once you understand that in your heart, you understand true love. Love is knowing that there is a higher being who wants to be with you so bad, despite the fact that you are imperfect, that He will do, and has done everything that possibly could be done, to be with you. He sacrificed Himself so that he wouldn't have to give us the justice we deserve. We deserve utter destruction and death. But he gives us complete beauty and life. He has given us purpose. Don't sit back and wait for the birds to sing praises to Him, they're gonna do that no matter what. Be proactive and intentional and learn to love! This world, and maybe even your heart, is suffering. But I know the greatest healer to ever exist so let Him heal you.

Sweet Peace

Here I am, my love. Back at the feet of your thrown. I don't know why I keep trying to run from you or why I continue to hide as if you aren't always inside my heart. I ask you for silly things and wonder why you don't grant my wishes. You aren't my magic genie, and I don't want you to be. You know me inside and out. Let my love flow in that way as well. My love you are a fire; consuming all of my pain, creating an undying passion inside me, and giving of a radiating beauty that has no other explanation but your grace. I keep spitting on you, trying to put the fire out. But why? How could I ever think there is something better than your love? You have filled me with peace, yet again. Knowing I will keep disobeying you and keep asking for forgiveness, you rescued me anyway. Oh my love, please lead me down the correct road and let me stop trying to question your directions. Going through the trench can look dark and scary, but the Lord knows that you will surely die if you go over the trench. Yes, I did just quote Finding Nemo in a serious blog, get over it.
Love, hold my heart and never let it go. I am yours forever and I give my life for you to use no matter how much suffering comes my way, I will never turn back.

Squiggles :)

love letters

No one else will do, I will take ahold of you.
Where else can I go?
You are my Lord, my God!
Forgive me for not giving you all of me.
I put my trust in you!
Come to my rescue, please!
I'm dry and weary, my love.
Embrace me and never let me go.
I'm 100 percent all in.
Break me down, make me suffer if it leads me to worship you better.
Make me suffer if it leads me to shout for you in utter need of your love.
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My love, I don't get it!
You know my deepest mistake.
You saw my heart lust for love away from you.But you take me back time and time again.
How can you love a sinner like me?
I'm so messed up, I feel far from your beautiful creation.
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My love, my love.
Embrace me in your strong, protective arms.
Kiss me with your sweet lips of redemption.
I have married you even though I'm not worthy.
But you adorn me with pearls and pretty dresses.
You not only dress me up to look beautiful,
you change my insides and make me beautiful and lovely.
Without you I am ugly and hopeless.
But, my love, with you I am worthy.
I love you so much.
I desire your embrace every moment of my life.
I give all I am to you so you will fill me up with your grace and lovingkindness.
Oh, you are so merciful and take me back time and time again.
When will I learn you are beyond worthy of my love?
You are my everything.
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Oh, my love, how I desire you.
It is hard to have patience while knowing how breathtaking it will be just to be near you.
I am so uncontrollably in love with you.
You have saved me from my destruction of myself.
You have pulled me out of the pit of darkness.
You have made an everlasting covenant to love me,
For better or worse, richer or poorer, thick and thin.
You were there when I wasn't.
You eagerly waited for me as I will eagerly await for you to take me home where I can sleep safely in your arms.

Worth

I'd say the biggest problem among people today is that they are searching for someone or something to say that they are valuable. Money, relationships, friends, marriages, jobs, talents, and whatever else. Funny how all of those things still leave you empty and no matter how often your success makes you feel worthy, you still feel as if you aren't good enough. There is always someone better than you or more successful than you, someone who looks like they have it all together. The funny part is that person feels the exact same way as you. No matter how hard we try, we never feel good enough.
But here's the thing, God, yeah that being that created you know the whole universe, He wanted to be with you so bad that he died so that you could be with him. He has declared worth over us even when we didn't deserve it. His love is not something we have to earn. His lovingkindness for us is not circumstantial. No matter how fast we run from him, he is right there with us. He has made a covenant with us and has married us. Not only that, but Isaiah 62:4-5 says that he DELIGHTS in us. Don't forget we are talking about the same God that is perfect and holy in all his ways and has created everything, yeah that God. He delights in us when we are in our bed bawling our eyes out for whatever reason and running hard away from him. He says we are worthy of love. He calls us beautiful and delights in us even in our imperfections.
Stop looking for acceptance in places that leave you empty. The Lord satisfies and makes your cup overflow. He is more than enough we just have to realize that.

Honestly...

Here's the thing, I'm so ridiculously tired of people defining others by their color. I mean honestly people, it isn't like the color of your skin defines who you are!

Plus, I'm tired of the terms "black" and "white." First of all, we are all different shades of brown, maybe you should learn your colors because I have never seen a black person or a white person. Second of all, there are other races and ethnicities in the world. "Racism" isn't just within the "black" and "white" community. What about arabic people who have been unrightfully judged after 9/11. What about hispanic people who are always judged and ignorantly called "immigrants," you don't know their life so stop acting like it. The list goes on and on... Stop putting the world in a tiny box that barely even holds the size of your ego.

Start paying attention to the fact that we are ALL God's creation. If you don't believe in God, at least recognize that we are ALL human. Everyone has the right to be treated like an individual. Stop stereotyping, stop defining people by the color of their skin, and learn to love.

I could go on more about this but I think I've made my point, plus I have to go. But, seriously, spread the love people. Don't you think this world has been through enough hatred already? It's time for a change.

I can play the background...

Lord please forgive me when I try to take lead and put you as my co-pilot.
This life is not my own so why do I keep thinking there is anything I should take control of?
When will I learn?
You are the God who parted the red sea.
You are the God who sent a flood upon the whole earth.
You are the God who created love.
So why am I trying to take credit for anything in my life?
It is all from you, Father.
Everything that I do right is You.
Every time I try to take lead I get stage fright and end up ruining Your love song.
I keep thinking I know what love is but I confuse lust with love.
Lusting for things of this world and asking for you to give me material things like they will make me happy. As if you don't satisfy. As if worldly "happiness" is equivalent to the pure and holy joy you give to me.
I am no god and I am so far from perfect.
If people follow me they will be mislead.
Allow me to point them to you instead.
I'm a trail of star dust leading to the super star.
Please let me always send them your way because I can't save them but you are the savior of all.
Humble me Lord.
My hand in your hand. Lord I am ready. Take me to the days of child like faith.
I love you.

Short sweet & to the point

I just have a couple of quick things to say:

First: YOU ARE WORTH IT! My good friend wrote me a letter today and at the end she reminded me how God thinks I'm worth dying for. Since he created me and knows me best, that means that I AM worth it. The creator of the universe thinks YOU, an imperfect being, are worth it! Abide in His love and find peace in that truth.

Second: I was listening this song called "Act on it" by a band called "A Major Award"
PLEASE read these lyrics and let them speak for themselves:

All this talk of love, it's not consistent.
It's never enough and I don't think you think that it is.
But you're not making it up so if it's truth then act on it.
So from here on out, stop making points and start making a difference.
If your love is loud then you don't have to shout for somebody to listen.
What gave me away, where's my faith if I'm doing nothing.
Love isn't always what you planned.
But if it's truth then act on it.
So from here on out, stop making points and start making a difference.
If your love is loud then you don't have to shout for somebody to listen.
When it hurts just remind yourself where you came from.
When it hurts just remind yourself of who you are.
When it hurts just remind yourself where you came from.
When it hurts just remind yourself of who you are.
If it's truth then act on it.