my life at the moment

Just to let you know, this is pretty raw and honest so take it for what it's worth.

The past few weeks, have kind of been the climax to an extremely rough few years. I have been exhausted, super busy and beyond stressed. I have fatigue issues meaning I'm almost always exhausted and hardly ever experience rest. I also have type two bipolar disorder which means I have a lot of anxiety and depression. At the beginning of this week I seriously had no idea how or if I would survive. I know that sounds super dramatic and you probably think I should just take a chill pill or some other kind of pill. Maybe you're right. But, all I know is that I didn't feel like anything was going to work out and getting hit by a bus (yes, that was a Mean Girls reference) sounded a hell of a lot more appealing than actually facing the next two weeks.

Honestly, the beginning of this week is now a blur so I'm just going to start with Wednesday.

Wednesday I got my prints for my show that was supposed to open on Thursday. I had to mount them (glue them onto foam board and cut them to make them look nice and presentable) and hang them. It ended up taking about 3.5 hours. I only expected it to maybe take 1.5 hours. I also had to study for a test and meet for a group project that I hadn't prepared for as well as eat dinner somehow. Long story short, I was able to eat dinner before the group meeting which didn't last long and then I started studying. It took me 2 hours of staring at flash cards until I was able to concentrate. For the first time in this subject, I was able to focus and absorb what I was studying. I went to my room and got some halfway decent sleep. Thursday I woke up semi-early and got some work done. During the test I managed to recall most of the information I had studied (first time all semester).

Skipping ahead, the show went well and it was very encouraging. My parents also came down and if you know me at all you know how important they are to me so that was wonderful. After the show we went out to eat and I realized that my entire body was in pain and I was exhausted. They left and I went to my room to study for a test I had today (Friday). I also wore make-up for the first time in a while which somehow made my eye swell up after washing it off. So, I was trying to study while exhausted, in large amounts of pain and a swollen, oozy eye. It didn't go too well. I ended up going to bed early in hopes that when my alarm went off early I'd actually get up.

To my surprise, I woke up before my alarm and was able to get up (a phenomenon in itself). I studied part of what I'd be tested on then I had to go to class at 8. At 9 I went to breakfast to study the rest of my material and at 10 I took the test. Somehow, miraculously, I recalled about 98% of what I studied! I also realized that I can take a nap today before I get back to the grind.

My body is still in a lot of pain, I'm still exhausted and I still have a large amount to do which I'm still attempting not to stress about. But, I am so blessed and in awe of how much the Lord cares for me through even this. It's truly amazing how the blessings I have experienced today and yesterday and will continue to experience happen in perfect timing to help me keep going. As I said earlier, I don't experience rest a lot; but, I am feeling some form of rest in this moment and I really feel hopeful.

I think when people talk about God a lot of time it's only talking about salvation from a burning pit called hell. I don't know about you, but I've experience many forms of "hell on earth" and it can be super hard to believe that we were put here just for torture until we die. I really think God's a lot bigger than just saving us after we die. My life isn't exactly pretty but it sure is beautiful. I think God wants to give us rest and that he wants to love us; we just have to let him. I would have never opted to go through the things I'm going through but the joy and love I'm experiencing in this moment is irreplaceable.

Anyway, I truly do hope that you are able to experience some type of rest as well. Thanks for stepping into my life for a bit.

I'm going to take a nap now :)

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